I've never heard the rest of the Cold War Kids album, but I rediscovered that song on my iPod and I like it. And it's a pretty accurate way to describe the state I was in after playing substitute dad to my nephews this weekend while my bro-in-law was cavorting around Vegas (Consumer Electronics Show or Adult Entertainment Expo? You be the judge).
Let me begin my saying, my sister is inhuman. No, really. And it's not just her. It's the whole peculiar faction of the population we refer to as "mothers." No human could possibly possess the insane amount of brute strength, endless patience, and boundless energy. My weak-ass arms couldn't carry J for more than 4 seconds from the parking lot to Target, and he still fits in a car seat. I can handle baby Z for a little longer, but he's built like a cream puff filled with fatty goodness, so that's not that impressive. My sister can navigate a super-store's cruelly constructed narrow aisles with a baby strapped to her, one arm pushing a stroller filled with 42-pounds of toddler, texting her BFFs and sipping a tapioca bubble tea. Superheroes can't do that shit.
Needless to say, I love my nephews to death and have had some of the most insightful conversations of my life with them (Z doesn't interrupt much, and J's funnier and more polite than most people), but a mother-to-be I am not. At least not any time even remotely soon. True, Britney is one (twice over), Jamie-Lynn will be one in a few months, and Nicole "I only smoked some weed and popped some Vicodin before driving on the wrong side of the freeway" Richie is bringing life into the world. Seeing these wildly incompetent women take on motherhood offers a little reassurance to self-doubting future moms like me, but you can all take your time planning my elaborate baby shower - it could be a while. I have to build up my arm strength first.
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2 comments:
If only all the moms in the world could read this! I never get tired of saying i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your writing. It sounds like you should make your sister a comic strip like you made me in London..."super-mommy"?
it's all in the tapioca tea - its a little known fact that it enhances ones abilities both physically and psychologically. with each ball, i become stronger, more powerful than the average person.
but i thank you anyway - you are too kind - and you are a champ at target, no matter what you may think.
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