Ms. Fat Booty

That's a Mos Def song. But it's also the way American Eagle clothes will make you feel if you're over the age of 13, apparently. Sauntering in on my lunch break, I assumed I could throw on my standard size and waltz right out with another useless purchase under my arm. Little did I know their sweaters are custom-fit for girls without rib cages. I'm tempted to write a strongly-worded letter informing them that the good people at Victoria's Secret have continually assured me of my astoundingly miniature assets. A medium should allow for a little more room, thank you very much.

How on Earth does The Hills' Heidi manage to outfit her abundant, expensive curves (I majored in English to learn those kind of solid transitions, people)? The Hills last night was another train wreck, and it certainly made my Monday. Justin Bobby supposedly kissed some fugly chick in front of Audrina, but the camera was mysteriously obscured so we can't be sure if it really happened. This may have been in the script, though Lauren's repetitive slack-jawed, wide-eyed reactions lead me to believe the writers' strike has left the cast to fend for themselves in terms of plot and dialogue. After mumbling some incoherent drug talk in Audrina's ear, she left with him in a car. She later claimed to have just dropped his ass off at home, but my money's on a gross threesome with the fugly chick. Justin Bobby later claimed to "not know what that was about," referring to fugly. I think that's generally what happens after a night of Ritalin, whippets, and Zema (which I believe has been off the market since 1991, but "Smirnoff Ice" didn't sound as funny). Somewhere else in these alleged "hills," Spencer's sister came to town and scared everyone shitless with her insistent assertion that Heidi is HER FAMILY NOW. Most terrified of all were Heidi, her new nose, and both implants.

Tonight is the black hole of television known as Tuesday. It's that awful stretch between Monday's MTV shitfest, and Wednesday's overwhelming bounty of entertainment (The Real World, America's Next Top Model, Gossip Girl, AND Project Runway). If I resort to watching another Dawson's Creek circa 2002 (that was Sunday's last resort), I may have to unplug the TV.